The List

Sex toys and scares

Okay, get comfy, ’cause this is one heck of a story.

If you’ve seen the list you will know that there are a few sex-related endeavours to cross off (PSA, I have never had sex). Now, I’m not totally innocent because I am 20 and I have stumbled across porn and fan fiction before, but I would not say I am very fluent in sex stuff. But that’s besides the point for this entry. One of the things on the list is “go to a sex shop/buy a toy.” I’m just gonna go ahead and admit that I am not confident enough to walk into a sex shop because I would not know where to even start looking for anything. That being said, I am a big fan of online shopping..

Did you know that Amazon has a section for sex toys? I sure didn’t, but during one of my many online shopping sprees I was browsing categories and happened to stumble across the “sex and sensuality” section (located in health, household and personal care, for those of you who are curious). Now, when you click on “sex toys” you will come face-to-face with a very large amount of penis-shaped looking objects, and my first thought was “close the browser immediately.” I didn’t do that, obviously. Instead, I clicked “dildos” on the sidebar, and then immediately hit the back button because woah. Then I clicked “vibrators,” which was a lot less intimidating.

But how did I choose, you might ask? I’ll tell you. I adjusted the search criteria to show me the most popular ones, then made sure Amazon Prime was selected (because I hate waiting for anything), and then I found the least scary looking one that was also small and subtle. I chose the “Durex, intense vibrating bullet for sensual stimulation.” It had good reviews and came in a very nice purple shade. Perfect. So I put it in my cart (and threw in a little sketchbook so if anybody asked what I ordered I’d have a legitimate excuse), and I waited 2 days for it to arrive. Then I had a very interesting experience upon opening it for the first time..

I was nervous/excited as I sat in bed and opened the package up. My first ever sex toy. Now, I am not big on reading instructions so I promptly set those aside and decided to just mess around with the thing till I figured it out. The box said it came with batteries, so I assumed that by pushing the only button on the entire toy, I would be gifted with the gentle vibrations as promised, but no. I pushed that button a couple times and nothing happened. So then I read the instructions. Turns out, there’s a little battery blocker that prevents the toy from turning on in transit. All you have to do is remove the little bit of plastic and presto. So I did that. I also forgot for a brief time that I had been pushing the on and off button relentlessly for a minute prior to this, and apparently the button was left on. I took off that plastic and put it back together and the thing started vibrating like crazy. Let me be clear, this was not what I would call subtle. I promptly dropped the vibrator, let out a slight little squeal, and stared, wide-eyed as my first ever sex toy vibrated straight off the side of my bed. A few minutes after the shock wore off and my heartbeat returned to normal, I picked up the vibrator up off the floor and turned it off. And then I put it back in the box and hid it away in one of my drawers and didn’t look at it again for the rest of the night.

I don’t know how I was really expecting this experience to play out, but I think it’s safe to say, not like it did. I have since looked at it a bit more. Actually held it in my hand to see what the vibrations felt like (kinda makes my hand get that tingly/numb feeling, you know?). Like I said, it’s not quite as quiet as I was expecting, and with a family of six, keeping it running for long is a risk, so I can’t give much into how it actually performs, but we’ll see.

Maybe you’ll get an update on its performance in some other post. But for now that’s the end of the sex toy story. I would maybe suggest reading the instructions on all purchases in the future before you start pressing buttons.

Always,

JC

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